Why I've Been M.I.A.

I am aprehensive about getting personal on this blog because I hate turning anyone off, but I can't really help sharing at this point.  So if you'd rather not listen to personal posts while on The Soap Bar, I'd suggest coming back when I've got some soap pictures up in a couple of days.

You guys have been my connection and my friends, what can I say?  You've helped me through my rough patches when I was nervous about opening a retail shop for my little business and then you all were so supportive when I had to close it 14 months later. 

A lot of my regular readers know I have Crohn's Disease which I was diagnosed with 6 years ago and before February, I had some bad days and some good ones.  Sometimes, I'd get a few bad days in a row, but not too often.  On my birthday (July 11th) I ate a Subway sandwich and became instantly crampy... then doubled over, had to close my shop early and forced myself to drive home without hitting anyone (me = big dummy) and to get through the pain without going to the hospital.  I knew it would pass... literally.  I thought it was a bad piece of meat or maybe the sandwich was too big because I ate the whole foot long.

The following day I felt worse and my sister-in-law who's a doctor in San Fransisco, told me to go to the ER.  She never suggests that.  They did scans and X-rays and gave me an IV for steroids, pain relievers and other fluids.  Told me I had Crohn's Disease (really, geniuses?) However, the new news was that I had ulcers and inflammation in my stomach and small intestine.  Most of my issues had been in my colon.  They sent me home with a prescription for prednisone and a pat on the back. (Thanks, $12,000 later - yes, I have insurance, but I saw the bill and I paid a pretty penny for that 4 hour visit!)

To make a long story as short as I can, I was on steroids for 4 weeks, was well for 2 months, got really bad again, got on steroids again for 4 weeks, but this time, when I weaned off of them, I got a migraine from hell that lasted almost 2 weeks!  I was paralyzed.  Dysfunctional.  Dirty.  Unmovable, unreasonable, unavailable.  It sucked.  When that headache subsided, I can't tell you how undead I felt, how amazing life was when the pain lifted. 

I hate pain more than anything.

Then the following day the migraine lifted, my Crohn's pain kicked in.  Hard.  It felt like the migraine was passing the wand to the Crohn's in one of those relay races.  I guess I was lucky that it didn't happen at once, but how weird?  Since that day in early February, I have not been well.  I can have a few good hours, but I have not been living my "normal" life since.  I do have to say that it is amazing timing that the shop closed in the nick of time.  I would not be able to man it.

I said, "When one door closes, another opens".  I still believe that.  I do not believe, however, that pain and suffering is that door, because I wouldn't have chosen door number 3, thank you.  But perhaps the store closing is what was meant to be for me to deal with my illness so that I can then move on to other things.

Laughter is contagious and so is down in the dumpedness, so I'm not here to cry to you.  Sadness pushes people away and I'm not going to do that.  I'm updating you on my boring ins and outs because I think you deserve to know.  I haven't lost interest in your soap, the soap, all SOAP! I love it more today than the day I started this blog.  I can't keep up with it with all my down days and sleeping which I seem to have no control over lately.  Yeah, the sleeping is kind of getting in the way with life.  Yesterday, I went to lie down for a 5 minute nap and woke up 4 hours later and then I woke up did a few things, laid down again and fell asleep for 2 more hours, then went to sleep at 2 am and slept until 10 am.  Think I'm getting enough sleep?  When I am awake, I need to take care of life which is filled with too much and sometimes I'd just like to avoid most of it and bury my head in the sand.

My mother used to call me an ostrich when I was 12 years old.  I'd like to think I've evolved since then, but maybe for passing moments, I''d like to be 12 again with no responsibilities and no money issues, because I know stress effects this disease quite a bit.

I don't know if I feel stressed and I know I don't act stressed.  I don't look stressed.  I do have this incredible ability to hold feelings inside and think inwardly, feel inwardly, process inside before I deal on the outside (funny, why do things sometimes just blurt out of my face?).  So I suppose there is that.

I have to apologize to you all because I am not a writer.  I don't think ahead and form sentences properly or think ahead and edit my work.  I am just blurting and that's what this blog is.  A place for me to be me.  My husband is a wonderful writer.  He reads my blog and makes a pained face.  Grammatical errors, tense confusion..... it goes on.  I try.  I write the way I think.

So I write to you in hopes that you understand my absence and that you stick around because I am here and I will continue to bring you the soap.

soap

soap

soap

:)

xo

Joanna